CHAPTER 6: Aimee....I wish to God I could die. I prey every night for it.
* ACTUAL JOURNAL ENTRY WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
December 13, 1998:
I am really pissed right now. Alison never came back. I called Lima and she was still there. I know she's pissed because I didn't go back for her birthday. I really have come to a point in my life that I just don't care about anything. I'm tired of being alone. Aimee I wish to god I could die. I prey every night for it. I am so strong in every other aspect of my life. I don't care what happens to me but at the same time, I'm scared to death about being here by myself.
Damn it. I'm sitting here right now and I'm preying for the strength to make it through this hell. Nothing ever makes sense. You know what? Fuck Everything. Fuck the god damn world. I don't give a shit anymore.
*ACTUAL JOURNAL ENTRY WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
December 13, 1998:
I'm back. I just sent the girls an email that will probably end our friendship. Part of me hopes that it does. I don't deserve them. I don't deserve anyone. I don't know why I'm writing this to you. These are thoughts I would normally write myself in a journal that no one would see. I'm going to tell you something I would normal only write to myself. Something I couldn't tell you in person. I want to talk about it and I need to let it out. But I just can't talk about it.
I've had serious thoughts about killing myself tonight. I wish I could stop this from happening. I wish I could get it out of my head but it won't go away. That's why I am pushing the girls out of my life. If I would ever do it I don't want them to be hurt. Promise me you won't tell. Really there is no one to tell. I've already told my dad I've had thoughts about it and my sister she knows too. In fact the whole damn family probably already knows. Really there is no one I can talk to. I wish I had someone holder. Someone who has been here. I just want someone to tell me it's okay. I wish there were someone who could give me a hug and tell me it's all going to be ok.
I am completely lost. I have no direction and I can't pull myself out of this damn hole. Every time something good happens, 20 bad things follow. I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess if I can't save myself at least my words to you could possibly make a difference. Maybe, just maybe the hell I'm living in in my own life will make sense to someone else.
Thanks for listening.
*ACTUAL JOURNAL ENTRY.
December 14, 1998:
It's the next night. I have calmed down a little bit. I got my new car today. I can't wait for you to see it. I'm not sure about the spoiler. I'm thinking it might be too big and sporty. You'll have to let me know. I'm going to sleep now. I am trying desperately to get over all of this crap with the girls. The pad part is I just don't want anyone to be close to me. I hate to get hurt. I would rather never have cared about anyone than to get hurt again.