CHAPTER 7: Steph...You are having thoughts of killing yourself and that is not normal.
*ACTUAL JOURNAL ENTRY
December 17, 1998
Well, I know things didn't work out this week and you were left alone. I am truly sorry, but there wasn't anything that I could have done. And I know this time you aren't blaming me, but I just want you to know that if there was something I could have done, I would've. But my aunt & uncle were at my house and luckily I got to vistit with them a few hours Sunday night since they left at 8am Mon. Otherwise I would have stayed until the morning.
Steph, I'm just not sure what to do for you anymore. It seems like we have so much fun together, most of the time. So I don't understand what causes you to feel like you want to die. You have so much to look forward to in life. You have so much to offer this world, only you are too blind to see it.
Ever since the day I met you, you have changed my life and I think you. I always admired you for your out-going, free spirited (whatever the hell that means, it just sounds right), and silly personality. On the outside you portray a strong and independent person. You always say that you don't need anyone, but from your reactions, of staying here along, it shows that you do.
But more importantly, you need somebody because you are having thoughts of killing yourself. And that is not normal. God gave you this life and he is the only one who shall have the power to take it away. He can't give everyone the perfect life. In fact, nobody has the perfect life. But he gave you a life to live as you wish. It is your duty to push through all of the barriers that stand in your way and let yourself sine. You have the ability, you just need to stop closing your eyes and running away from your fear. Don't let fear have the better side of you. You deserve so much better. If one thing turns out to be a failure, move on to the next. There will always be a new light. You just need the strength and determination to reach your hopes and dreams. Never give up hope, and never lose faith in God. You will be thankful someday for all that you have been given. You just need to live life.
Here is a poem I received at CC camp awhile back.
WHAT IS LIFE?
Life is a challenge....meet it.
Life is a gift....accept it.
Life is an adventure....dare it.
Life is a sorrow...overcome it.
Life is a tragedy....face it.
Life is a duty....perform it.
Life is a game...play it.
Life is a mystery....unfold it.
Life is a song...sing it.
Life is an opportunity...take it.
Life is a journey...complete it.
Life is a promise...fulfill it.
Life is a beauty...praise it.
Life is a struggle...fight it.
Life is a goal...achieve it.
Life is a puzzle...solve it.
Stephanie, I want to be there for both your joys and sorrows. I want to be there on your wedding day, and the day your children are born. I want to be there when you are given an excellent position as a news anchor. I want to be there when you receive your awards or appear on Days of Our Lives, kicking the shit outta Sami or Billie or someone!
I just want to be a part of your life. Someone who you can share your deepest secrets with, someone you can turn to for advice or support to make you laugh, cry, scream or sing. I want to be there whenever you need me. Nobody can physically be everywhere, but deep inside your heart, I want you to know that I am there and that I will always love and take care of you forever, until we are old and grey and our lives have reached a point that we are no longer needed her on earth, and God shall give us the peace of heaven. We can make it through this life together. We just need to follow our hearts and live each day, one at a time. And never losing sight of the next because in the end Good will always prevail over evil.
I hope that all of this has made sense to you, and that you know that you can talk to me anytime. I am here to listen or to read.
Take care cuz!