February 1, 1999: Aimee...I still don't want to talk

FEBRUARY 1, 1999


I still don't want to talk. Not really anyway. But I did a lot of thinking today. It was actually more soul searching than anything when I was at Lincoln Tower I was standing by the railing and on my left side was the Horseshoe and to the right was the O.S.U. hospital. The hospital that saved my grandpa. It was a really sad, empty feeling and I had never felt so alone as I did then. Part of me just wanted to tell someone anything but it is not that simple.

Honestly Aimee, I cry every day. Most of the time 90% of the time it's actually tears, the other percent is just my emotional state of mind that's crying. I felt something today and it didn't make any sense to me. When I asked you if you wrote Jill that letter my brain told me, "Oh God I hope she didn't" but then you told me you didn't and my heart sank. It didn't make any sense. But for once I felt a glimmer of hope. 

But Why? I don't know. I don't get it. Why all of a sudden is there someone I can relate to? Someone that I see myself in? At one point I thought me and my sister were feeling the same thing but I think our experiences are just the same. But then again I'm wrong. Maybe I just don't see her enough. 

I know you and I have the same sort of connection. Kind of. But it's still different. I don't know why. Maybe it's because you know what triggered your mood swings and depression. I know you think it can be "cured" so to speak, but I swear I've tried it all. I just don't know where to go from here.


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