January 13, 1999: Steph...My biggest fear in life.


January 13, 1999

Okay, this will be the first time this year that I actually write in this. Sorry it's been so long. I guess I'm just not very good at keeping in touch. What's new.

Look, I know you were upset tonight about your computer. I'm sorry, and I know you have a right to be. It's just all a big misunderstanding. Unfortunately, the day that I actually decide to first email from your computer, it happens to be the day I, or anybody wasn't supposed to use it. 

Steph, I understand why you are upset. That is why I never asked to set up an email account on it. I just didn't feel comfortable using it period. So I'm sorry for failing to realize that it was still turned on. And I apologize for any worries that it gave you.

Steph, I really hate it when we get into conflicts like this. I end up feeling uncomfortable and worried about anything between us. I guess my biggest fear in life is feeling like someone doesn't believe that I have met their expectations of me. I've always been concerned with what other people have thought of me, and I constantly worry that someone is either mad at me or doesn't like me. I see this affecting Scott and I a lot and it sucks! And when even the littlest of things come up with the people I care about most in this world, they still go straight to my heart and hurt. I guess I'm too sensitive.

Also, I think why I got so bent out of shape with this computer thing was because I had something else bothering me. Something that I try not to think about because it worries me too much. See I was watching whatever the hell that thing that Stone Phillips does, and it was about Breast Cancer. I know that I am still young and shouldn't be worrying about it, but I do. It's hard not to. I'm classified as high-risk. I have lost both of my grandmothers due to Breast Cancer. And besides my ability to inherit it on both sides, it usually is common to skip a generation, meaning I'm next in line. I know that medical care for it has developed a lot since my grandmas died, but that doesn't prevent me from the chances of developing it. And if I do, there are still so many other things to worry abut other than death. Surgery and all the things that it does to a woman's body, and probably much more than I even know. Usually if a program about it comes on, I get too scared and I don't watch it, even tough I should. It's just too hard to think that my chances are high that I will have to deal with all of that.

So please forgive me if I've seemed a little distant tonight. I hope you understand. 

Well I've gotta go work on my math that I don't understand. I'll talk, well write, later! 


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