Who Am I?

I turn 40 this year and realize that I have never been able to make a single decision about my life without following the rules. I feel like a caged animal that has never been off a leash.

 

. I can't be anyone else's Reason Why they want to die. Not anymore. I've almost isolated myself so nobody else can get hurt enough to care what I say or do with my life. I need to be free, a loner who was destined to help you connect to somebody else, anybody but me. I don't need anyone forever, just a friend from time to time who knows all the sh*t I've been through.

Family means nothing to me. Never has. Never will. The people in my family mean something, but as an individual person, not a unit. My parents can't change what happened to them and I can't change what happened to me. All I know is what I would see growing up. I wasn't raised to love anyone. I wasn't raised to need anyone. I wasn't raised to cry. I wan't raised to care. I wasn't raised to talk. I wasn't raised to listen. I wasn't raised to think. I wasn't raised to feel anything but sadness, anger and hurt. Anger was the best feeling of the bunch. It gave me something to work towards that didn't hurt me. I wasn't vengeful but rather a friendly rivalry....in my mind. Ask anyone who has gotten in my way and they will tell you otherwise.

I was raised to win. I was raised to beat everyone. I was raised to stand on a podium and get a medal hung around my neck to prove my worth. I was raised to block out all the emotional distractions. I was raised to practice harder if I failed. I was raised to always know that I could be better. If I was first I could always be faster. When I got faster I could always run further. When I could run further and faster, I could aways run further and faster more frequent.

I am wired to be an athlete and corporate machine but I just wanted to be an artist, a writer, a psychologist and sociologist looking for a way to help people not beat people for gold medals and greed. When I realized I couldn't even help my best friend find a reason to live, I decided to change my major from Psychology to Advertising. The study of the brain used to sell people something they don't need instead of help people with something they need.